The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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