dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
