your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
