Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
