found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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