WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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