Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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