Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
