I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
