I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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