im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
