Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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