I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
