i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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