If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
