I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize