hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
