This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
