i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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