tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
