Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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