Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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