It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
