i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
