i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
