Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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