i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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