I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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