which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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