nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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