Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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