If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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