I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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