I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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