My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
All the doctor said was why
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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