Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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