My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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