Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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