so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
