The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
