I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Im part way to drunk.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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