i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
