areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
