so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
