Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize