Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
