just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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