Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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