my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize