You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
