Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize