i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
