i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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