We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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