I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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