dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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