Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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