Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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